Tantrums in Children: How to Respond During and After an Outburst

“Everything was fine, and suddenly there’s screaming” — where does it come from?

“Why do they react like this to a simple ‘no’?” — this question comes up often, especially when an outburst starts in a shop, while leaving the playground or during getting dressed. In these moments, it is easy to feel tense, helpless and sometimes angry yourself.

For children between around 18 months and 6 years old, strong emotions can arise faster than they are able to name or manage them. This does not have to be deliberate “defiance”. Often, a young child simply cannot cope in that moment with being told no, a change of plans or growing tiredness.

An outburst can look very different from one child to another. One child may scream, throw themselves on the floor and protest loudly, while another may shut down, pull away or stop responding. It is worth looking not only at the tantrum itself, but also at what happened just beforehand.

In this article, you will find a simple approach: what to do during an outburst, how to keep everyone safe and how to reconnect when emotions have settled a little.

What can trigger a tantrum in a child?

If a strong reaction appears after you say no, also see how to set a boundary when your child hears “no”.

Parents often expect a simple request to receive a simple response. Yet for a young child, even putting on shoes, turning off a cartoon or leaving a favourite activity can feel very difficult in that moment. This is especially true when a lot of tension has already built up.

A child’s response can be affected by, among other things:

• hunger or thirst;
• lack of sleep and end-of-day tiredness;
• noise, crowds, shopping, travel or lots of new experiences;
• having to suddenly stop an enjoyable activity;
• being told no or having a limit set;
• being rushed and given many instructions at once;
• a need for independence that the child cannot yet express clearly.

Sometimes the problem is not the situation itself, but the timing. A child may accept being told no calmly in the morning and react very intensely in the evening. This does not mean that rules should disappear — rather, it is worth taking their current state into account.

It can be helpful to make brief notes for a few days. Write down when tension appeared most often, what came before it and what made the situation at least a little easier. Over time, you may notice a recurring pattern, such as more difficult transitions home from nursery, outbursts before dinner or protests after a long time away from home.

How can you notice tension before an outburst happens?

In practice, a tantrum often has an earlier stage. Your child may not yet say, “I’m tired” or “This is too much for me”, but they will show it through their behaviour. The earlier you notice these signals, the greater the chance of getting through a difficult moment more calmly.

Before an outburst, you may notice, for example:

• more activity than usual;
• throwing small objects or nervously picking at others;
• crying or getting angry after a small change;
• a sharp tone of voice and frequent protests;
• clenched hands, a stiff body or a tense face;
• difficulty stopping play or following a simple instruction.

Not every overwhelmed child becomes loud. Some children go quiet, look away, hide behind a parent or seem as if they “cannot hear”. In that moment, rather than repeating your request more and more loudly, try moving closer, using fewer words and giving your child a moment to respond.

You might say: “I can see it’s hard for you to listen right now. We’ll do this together” or “First we’ll take a short break, then we’ll come back to getting dressed”. Not every situation will end without protest, but a gentler pace often reduces tension.

What should you do during your child’s tantrum?

When your child is already screaming, crying or throwing things, you do not have to find the perfect solution straight away. First, focus on what matters most: safety and preventing the situation from escalating.

1. Take a short pause for yourself

Before you say anything, slow down for a moment. Take a calm breath, lower your shoulders and try to speak more quietly than usual. This does not mean you have to be perfectly calm — it simply means not adding another shout to the situation.

You can use one simple sentence: “I can see you’re very angry. I’m here.” Do not try to convince your child right now that their reaction is “unnecessary”. At the peak of emotion, long explanations usually do not get through.

2. Create a safe space

When this happens while shopping, a separate plan for responding to your child’s protest in a shop may be helpful.

Look around for objects that could be thrown or cause an injury. Move away glass, hard toys, scissors, hot drinks or other items that are best put out of reach for a while. If siblings are nearby, calmly guide them aside.

In a shop, at the playground or during a family outing, try to move with your child to a quieter place. This will not always be possible, but even taking a few steps away from the crowd can help. If another adult is with you, ask for specific support, such as looking after siblings.

3. Offer closeness, but do not force it

Some children want a hug, to sit on a lap or to hold hands when they are angry. Others need space and may protest even more strongly when someone tries to touch them. It is worth letting your child choose in this matter.

You might say: “Would you like a hug, or should I sit next to you?” If your child says no, do not push. Stay nearby and show through your calm presence that they are safe and do not have to go through this moment alone.

4. Hold the boundary in a few words

Anger is allowed, but not every behaviour during anger can be allowed. If your child hits, bites, kicks or throws things, stop it briefly and calmly. There is no need at that moment to have a discussion about consequences or go through every rule.

Helpful phrases may include:

• “I won’t let you hit.”
• “I’m moving you away so no one gets hurt.”
• “You can cry. You cannot throw the cup.”
• “We’ll talk when things are calmer.”

Do not change an important decision simply to end the screaming as quickly as possible. You can acknowledge your child’s emotions while still holding the boundary: “I know you want to stay. We’re leaving now.”

Which words are best avoided during an outburst?

When stressed, it is easy to say something more harshly than you intended. It is worth remembering, however, that a child experiencing strong emotions does not need shame or a long lecture. Simple messages that set a boundary without attacking the child work better.

Try to limit phrases such as:

• “Calm down right now.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “You’re being naughty.”
• “You should be ashamed.”
• “You’re making me angry.”
• “Look, everyone is watching.”

Such words can increase tension and make it harder for your child to reconnect with you. Instead, name what you see and clearly state what you are doing: “You’re angry. I won’t let you hit.”

Is it worth distracting your child?

Sometimes, yes — especially with a younger child. You might offer a sip of water, looking out of the window, finding something in a particular colour or moving to a quieter place. This kind of change can interrupt building tension before the outburst becomes bigger.

However, do not treat distraction as a way to avoid every difficult emotion. If the boundary matters, it can still remain in place. You can say at the same time: “We’re not buying that toy. Come on, let’s find a red car on the shelf now.”

When your child hits, bites, kicks or bangs their head

If behaviour that could hurt someone appears during an outburst, act practically above all else. Move other children away, remove objects within reach and create more distance from hard edges or stairs. There is no need to explain the whole situation to your child at that point.

If your child tries to hit another person, you can calmly stop their hand or move them away from the person, but only as much as is necessary to stop the immediate danger. Say simply: “I won’t let you hit.” As soon as the situation is safer, reduce physical intervention.

If your child bites, protect your body and move away rather than getting into a struggle. If they throw things, limit access to further objects. If they bang their head, remove hard items from the immediate area and stay close to reduce the risk of injury.

Do not leave your child alone where they could hurt themselves. At the same time, do not try to physically restrain them if safety can be achieved by moving objects or other people away, or by going to a calmer place.

When should you seek medical help?

If your child has been injured, hit their head or anything about their behaviour after the incident worries you, it is worth seeking medical advice. Urgent help is needed if your child has lost consciousness, has difficulty breathing, is vomiting, is unusually drowsy, has sustained a serious injury or you are unable to keep them safe.

It is also worth speaking with a paediatrician or psychologist if outbursts are very frequent, becoming more intense, leading to injuries, involving repeated self-harm or significantly affecting everyday life. A consultation can help you make sense of the situation and decide on appropriate next steps.

What should you do after a tantrum?

After an outburst, your child may be tired, irritable or in need of quiet. Do not rush the conversation just because the screaming has stopped. First, check whether your child’s body has truly calmed down: their breathing is slower, their tension has eased and they are noticing your presence again.

You can offer water, some time on the sofa, a hug or a simple activity such as building with blocks. If your child does not want physical contact, respect that. Closeness can also mean sitting quietly beside them.

When things are calmer, briefly name what happened. For example, say: “It was hard for you when we had to stop playing” or “You got angry because you wanted that toy.” This is not about questioning your child or forcing an apology.

The emotion is okay; hurting others is not

Once you have reconnected, return to one important boundary. You might say: “You are allowed to be angry. I won’t allow hitting or biting.” This helps separate the emotion from the behaviour.

Then choose one simple thing your child can do next time. Do not create a long list, because in a difficult moment it is easier for a child to remember one short solution.

You can practise:

• saying: “Help me”;
• coming to you;
• stamping their feet in a safe place;
• squeezing a pillow;
• stepping away from play for a moment;
• naming the emotion: “I’m angry.”

How can you reduce the number of outbursts day to day?

It is not possible to eliminate tantrums completely — they are part of learning about emotions and boundaries. However, you can reduce the number of situations in which your child is already so tired or overwhelmed that cooperation feels difficult. Small, consistent actions usually make the biggest difference.

Create a predictable daily rhythm

Children often find transitions easier when they know what comes next. As far as possible, keep mealtimes, sleep and quiet rest at similar times. Before a longer outing, take water and a small snack.

After an intense time — for example, nursery, shopping or a birthday party — plan a less demanding period. Some children need movement, while others need quiet and closeness. Notice what kind of rest helps your own child.

Prepare your child for changes

When moving from screen time to the next activity, see the step-by-step plan for ending a cartoon.

A sudden “that’s enough” can be difficult even when your child knows the rules. Try giving notice before moving on to the next activity: “Two more trips down the slide, then we’re going”, “We’ll turn off the cartoon in a moment” or “First the blocks go in the box, then it’s dinner.”

Regular routines can also help. The same evening order, a short song before bathtime or repeated words before leaving give your child a greater sense of knowing what will happen.

Offer a small choice

You can find more examples of choices within safe boundaries in the article about a young child’s autonomy and adult boundaries.

Your child cannot always decide whether you are leaving, whether they need to get dressed or whether it is time to stop using a screen. They can, however, be given a choice in small matters. This allows them to feel some control without you giving up important boundaries. ⏳

You can ask:

• “Would you rather put your shoes on yourself, or would you like me to help?”
• “Do you choose the green cup or the blue one?”
• “Coat first or hat first?”
• “Would you like to walk to the car holding my hand, or walk beside me on your own?”

Summary: a calm response does not mean being permissive

During a tantrum, safety and your calm presence, as far as possible, matter most. You do not have to solve everything in a few minutes or find the perfect words. Reduce the risk, do not shame your child and hold the important boundary.

The goal is not to silence your child immediately. It is to get through a strong emotion without anyone getting hurt or things being damaged. Do not expect yourself to respond perfectly every time — after a difficult moment, you can reconnect and try again.

If tantrums are intense, worry you or you need to work through the situation step by step, you can use the BehaviorComplainer consultation form.

Sources

1. National Health Service (NHS), “Temper tantrums”.
2. American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), “Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums”.
3. National Health Service (NHS), “Help your toddler manage emotions”.
4. ZERO TO THREE, “Toddler Tantrums 101: Why They Happen and What You Can Do”.