When a difficult situation happens again
Do you ever find yourself thinking: “Why does this end in shouting again?” Resistance while getting dressed, tears after being told no to a purchase, or throwing a toy before bath time can be exhausting—especially when the day has already been intense.
In practice, one behaviour rarely tells you everything about a child. It is often a sign of overwhelm, frustration, tiredness or difficulty moving on to the next part of the day. Boundaries are still important, but they are easier to maintain when you can see the bigger picture.
A simple ABC record can help. It is not meant to find fault or decide who was right. Its purpose is to organise what happened before your child’s reaction, during it and immediately afterwards.
What is the ABC method?
The ABC abbreviation helps break down a difficult moment into three clear parts:
- A - before the behaviour: what was happening just beforehand;
- B - behaviour: what the child did or said;
- C - after the behaviour: what happened next, including how others responded and how the situation continued.
C does not automatically mean a consequence or punishment. It may include help with calming down, moving to a different place, returning to the task or ending an activity. An ABC diary organises the facts; it is not used to make a diagnosis or assign a fixed trait to a child.
Don’t only ask “why?”—look at what came before
Parents often focus on the emotional outburst itself because it is the most visible part. Yet important details may have appeared much earlier: a missed nap, a long shopping trip, noise, hunger, rushing or a sudden change of plans.
This does not mean that every difficult reaction can be avoided. A child may still protest when they are told no or have to stop a favourite activity. It is still helpful to notice when similar situations are clearly more difficult.
A trigger and the wider context are not the same thing
A trigger is usually a specific event immediately before the reaction. It may be being asked to wash hands, the end of a cartoon, a sibling taking a toy or being told it is time to leave.
The wider context is everything that may have lowered your child’s patience that day. It does not have to cause the protest on its own, but it may make an ordinary request feel too difficult to accept.
In the context section, you can briefly note:
- a late time of day;
- hunger or thirst;
- tiredness after a busy day;
- illness, pain or feeling unwell;
- noise, crowds or lots of unfamiliar people;
- rushing;
- a change in a familiar routine;
- not having had a chance to rest during the day.
You can also include factors on the adult’s side. Notes such as “we were all rushing” or “the morning started later than usual” are not judgments. They are simply important pieces of the puzzle.
When do challenging behaviours happen most often?
Morning: lots of instructions and little time
In the morning, children often hear several instructions one after another: get up, get dressed, eat, brush your teeth, put your shoes on. Even when each task is familiar, having so many of them can lead to resistance.
Notice whether the protest appears at a particular point in the morning. Sometimes the difficulty is stopping play, sometimes it is a specific item of clothing, and sometimes it is simply the pace. If you see this pattern often, you may be able to prepare clothes earlier or reduce the number of instructions given at once.
Shopping, meals and waiting
Shops can be demanding: bright lights, sounds, queues, lots of tempting products and the need to wait. Being told they cannot have sweets may be only the final moment when emotions spill over.
At mealtimes, stopping play, waiting for food or being refused another snack can have a similar effect. In your note, record whether your child had eaten beforehand, how long the outing lasted and whether the situation happened near the end of the day.
Changes between activities
For many children, the hardest part is not the task itself but the transition between activities. Ending play, going into the bathroom, leaving the playground or turning off a screen can bring strong resistance.
You can see whether a simple warning helps. A few minutes before the change, remind your child what will happen next, then return to the same message. This is not about negotiating the boundary, but about giving your child a moment to prepare for the change.
Evening: less energy for cooperation
At the end of the day, even a small problem can grow into big emotions. A child may protest for longer about bath time, pyjamas or going to sleep, especially if they have already had a lot of stimulation.
It can help to slow things down and avoid adding unnecessary expectations. If the evening was especially difficult, note whether your child had a nap, came home late or followed a routine that was different from usual.
How can you describe behaviour without labels?
Words such as “naughty”, “spiteful” or “manipulative” are usually not helpful when observing behaviour. They describe how the situation felt, but they do not show what actually happened.
A better description is one that someone can picture without knowing your child. Rather than assigning intentions, write down specific words, movements, timing and the number of times something happened.
Examples:
- instead of: “he was aggressive”
write: “he hit his brother on the shoulder with an open hand”;
- instead of: “she whined terribly”
write: “she cried by the door for around three minutes”;
- instead of: “he would not cooperate”
write: “he sat on the floor and refused to put his shoes on three times”;
- instead of: “he was trying to get his own way”
write: “after being told there would be no extra cartoon, he cuddled up and asked for one more”.
These kinds of notes are more useful because they allow you to compare similar situations after a few days. They make it easier to notice whether your child most often responds by shouting to a change of plans, a lack of attention, waiting or feeling overwhelmed.
It is also worth recording small successes. If your child puts away a toy after a reminder, names their anger or asks for help instead of throwing something, make a note of it. This shows which skills are already beginning to work.
How can you keep an ABC diary without creating another burden?
Your diary does not need to be an elaborate chart or another task to tick off. A phone, notebook or simple sheet of paper with a few regular sections is enough.
A good note should be brief and possible to make once emotions have settled a little. If you have little energy, a few keywords are better than giving up on taking notes altogether.
What is worth including?
Three ABC record examples
1. Leaving the playground
A: After around an hour of playing, the parent said: “It’s time to go home now.” The child was busy going down the slide.
B: The child shouted, cried and lay down on the ground. They said: “I’m not going!”
C: The parent calmly repeated that it was time to leave, helped the child stand up and walked away from the play equipment with them. After a while, the child cuddled up, and they went home together.
2. The end of a cartoon
A: When the agreed cartoon ended, the parent turned off the screen and reminded the child that it was time for the evening routine.
B: The child cried, tried to turn the cartoon back on and loudly asked for another episode.
C: The parent acknowledged that they understood the child’s disappointment, did not turn on another cartoon and suggested going to the bathroom together. After a few minutes, the child went to brush their teeth.
3. An argument over a toy
A: Siblings were playing with one toy car. The second child reached for the car the first child was playing with.
B: The child shouted, snatched the toy away and pushed their sibling.
C: The adult separated the children, put the car aside and checked that no one was hurt. When emotions had settled a little, they helped the children decide who would play first and who would wait for their turn.
A blank ABC form to copy
| Section | Note |
|---|---|
| Date and approximate time | |
| Place and context | |
| A - what happened immediately before the behaviour? | |
| B - what did the child do or say? | |
| C - what happened after the behaviour, including others’ responses? | |
| What is worth checking or preparing next time? |
In each note, you can include:
- the date and approximate time;
- the place;
- the wider context;
- A: what happened a moment earlier;
- B: what the child did or said;
- C: what happened afterwards;
- the approximate duration of the situation;
- an idea for the next similar situation.
An example note might look like this:
5:40 pm, shop. Context: late in the day, no snack. A: told no to buying a lollipop. B: crying and shouting for around four minutes. C: moved to a quieter part of the shop, had a short conversation, the lollipop was not bought. Next time: a snack before going out and agreeing shopping rules before going in.
This kind of record does not label the child as the problem. It simply shows how the event unfolded and provides a starting point for a small change next time.
Don’t write down everything
You do not need to document the whole day. To begin with, choose one, two or three situations that were most challenging for your family.
On an especially difficult day, a short note is enough: morning - rushing - resistance to getting dressed - no breakfast. The diary should give you greater clarity, not make you feel that you need to keep perfect notes.
What does part C tell us—the part that happens afterwards?
Part C is sometimes overlooked, but it can explain a great deal. It is not about judging the adult’s response, but about noticing what happened after the child’s behaviour.
Write down whether the task was put aside, whether the child received more connection, whether the location changed, or whether they were given access to a toy, screen or snack. Each of these details can matter when similar situations happen repeatedly.
Does the difficult moment delay an unwanted task?
Sometimes, after shouting or crying, a responsibility is paused for a while. This may involve brushing teeth, getting dressed, tidying up or leaving the house.
You do not need to assume that the child is doing this deliberately. When highly distressed, they may simply react in a way that pauses a difficult situation for a moment. If you notice this pattern, consider using shorter messages, giving earlier warnings and calmly returning to the task after a brief pause.
Does intense attention follow the behaviour?
Children need connection and attention—that is natural. However, it is worth checking whether long conversations, cuddles or negotiating happen mainly after shouting, or also when your child calmly asks for help.
You can reinforce simple communication as soon as it appears. If your child comes over and says they want to be close, respond before the tension grows. This gives them more opportunities to experience that calm signals are noticed too.
Did the child need less stimulation?
Sometimes, after crying, a child ends up in a quieter place, leaves a crowded shop or receives fewer instructions. If this pattern repeats especially in noisy situations or after a long day, it is worth taking overwhelm into account in your next plan.
Do not look for one answer from a single event. It is better to compare several similar records and ask yourself: what could be simplified, anticipated or communicated earlier?
How can you use ABC notes in everyday planning?
If a similar pattern appears in several notes, the next step may be to carefully explore a possible reason for the behaviour—without assigning your child a label based on one event.
After a few days, look through your notes. Look for similarities: the same time of day, type of request, place, noise level or point of transition between activities.
Do not change everything at once. Choose one recurring moment and try one small, realistic change over the next few opportunities.
Prepare your child for a change
If the difficulty appears when playtime ends, try reminding your child earlier about what will happen next. You can use a timer, a picture or the same familiar sequence of words.
Limited choices can also help. Instead of asking whether your child wants to put on their coat, offer a choice between two coats. The boundary remains clear, but your child has a small amount of control over how the task is done.
Take care of the basics of the day
If your notes show that the greatest tension appears with hunger, tiredness or long outings, adapt your plans to this information. You can bring a snack, shorten the shopping trip or postpone a less urgent errand until a calmer time.
This is not spoiling your child or giving up boundaries. It is sensible preparation of the conditions in which it is easier for your child to use the skills they are already learning.
Practise simple phrases outside of a crisis
When your child is calm, you can suggest short words to use in difficult moments. Keep them easy to remember and suited to your child’s age.
Useful phrases include:
- help me;
- a little longer;
- I don’t want to;
- it’s too loud;
- I’m angry;
- I want a cuddle.
When very upset, your child may not use these words straight away. Even so, calmly practising them in everyday situations gives them more options than simply repeating what they are not allowed to do.
When is it worth seeking extra support?
An ABC diary can help you better understand everyday difficulties, but it does not replace medical or psychological support. If something worries you, you do not need to wait until the situation becomes very difficult.
Speak to your paediatrician if you notice pain, a clear and sudden change in your child’s functioning, major difficulties with sleep or eating, or other physical symptoms. In these situations, it is worth first checking whether your child is experiencing physical discomfort.
A consultation with a psychologist can be a helpful step when behaviours are very frequent, intense or make everyday life difficult. It is also worth seeking support if your child regularly hurts themselves or others, you are concerned about safety or you feel you no longer know how to respond.
If you feel that tension is building on your side too, pause and seek help without blaming yourself. The safety of both child and adult is always more important than finishing a conversation or sticking to the plan.
Summary: small notes, greater clarity
ABC does not provide a ready-made answer to every difficult situation. However, it can help you see that a protest often has a particular combination behind it: change, tiredness, being told no, rushing or a need for support.
Keep your notes brief, describe the facts and look for recurring patterns. Then choose one small change: a warning, a snack, a shorter outing, fewer instructions or a calmer response.
If you would like to organise recurring situations in your home, you can complete the BehaviorComplainer consultation form. Briefly describe what is happening, and it will be easier to identify possible next steps.
Sources
- Kent Community Health NHS Foundation Trust, “My behaviour”.
- Cambridgeshire and Peterborough NHS Foundation Trust, “ABC Chart”.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), “Tips for Responding to Behavior”.
